Throwing in the towel

It's amazing how many emotions can come to the surface at one time. It's seems like just when you get one part of your life going in the right direction, another part seems to crumble. Now, I have nothing to complain about... I have a great job, an awesome church, a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, opportunities galore but yet at the end of the day I still feel like somethings missing. That's definitely not the way I want to live my life.

Here's the thing... I do try to accomplish everything! I try so hard to please everyone and to not let anyone down. I will go above and beyond for anyone I come in contact with and sometimes I will do this to the point of wearing myself out emotionally. It's amazing how many times one person can get upset in a single weekend. I will take the brunt of whatever is wrong and make it my fault if that fixes the issues. I've done it so long that it just comes as second nature...to put blame on yourself so that everyone else doesn't have to. Jen tells me it's not healthy and one day I'm going to break... Today I believe her and everyone else that has told me that very thing along the way.

The overload has set in and I no longer can juggle everything. I'm giving in because I can't please everyone and I can't do everything that I once could. I would love to fix every one's problems, I would love sit down and talk with any and everyone who is feeling down or has an issue to talk through but I think my time with fully dedicating myself to that is over. I'm throwing in the towel and picking up a new towel...this towel will be blue(because that's my favorite color and this towel has a little more to do with me, therefore I will choose). Selfish? Maybe...but I like to think of it as treating myself after a few years of not!

My goal through this process is the know what it feels like to not feel bad about choosing something I think is right. To know what it feels like to make a decision and stick with it because I believe in it not because it benefits everyone else. To learn how to suppress anxiety and stress and to learn how to understand what time management really means. It's not going to be easy because I am naturally someone who wants to help, someone who wants to fix and someone who doesn't want anyone to be mad at them for a choice or decision. I'm done with the crying and the constant worrying. Time to start a new resolution. I know it's not New Years yet but this girl is starting her resolution early.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get
worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you
deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes"

~ Matthew 6:34 The Message