Diagnose

Have you ever tried to sit down and describe your feelings?

Like you're real life daily emotions...Not all the gushy, lovely dovey, angry, pissed off at the world ones but the ones that might consume you on a regular basis. The ones you don't quite fully understand? The ones that leave you sitting at your desk staring at the computer in hopes that Google can help diagnose why you feel the way you do?

I've never tried to fully define what I'm feeling. Most of the time I make excuses about why I feel a certain way or I cover it up by telling the world I'm fine. It's a coping mechanism that I've used for years and it always seems to make people think I have it together and I am just a naturally happy individual. Today I publicly state... THAT'S NOT THE CASE. I have some serious chaos going on inside and my fear is that one day it's all gonna come bursting out and my words will not be very pleasant.

Contradiction has caused me to doubt almost everything that comes out of my mouth. I would love to be completely confident in myself and my words but somewhere along the way I made myself believe that I can't or I'm not good/skilled enough.

I talked to a few people about these feelings and they mainly all say the same thing... 'You have absolutely no reason to feel this way!' I so wish I could...I want to be able to change these feelings overnight. Wipe my mind clean from the memories of feeling this way. How do I do that? Ugh...